Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
