dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
