hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
