Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
