Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
