I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
