i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
