Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
