fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you didnt know i had herpes?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
