They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You are the jesus of drinking
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
