LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
