Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
