Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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