Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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