I'm gonna have a badass scar
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
