I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
