nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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