I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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