weddingsv make me drug and hornr
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
