i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
