Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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