its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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