just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
