i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
