Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
