I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
