Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize