its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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