Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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