There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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