boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
