The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
