I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
