Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Randomize
