If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
