all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
