I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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