You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
