I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
