Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
