opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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