I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My balls are so social today.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
