the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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