and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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