I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
