I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
