Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
