FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
