Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
