i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
