Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
