How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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