THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
