Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
