I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
